I don't really understand it, but as one of those illegal wall-hopping Kenyan immigrants who came here only to claim welfare, enforce the transgender agenda, and vote in a president who'll take all's y'all's guns - if I've correctly claused that part of the sentence - I don't actually get a vote. However, this hasn't kept me from watching television and forming opinions based on political campaigns waged during the Wheel of Fortune commercial break. Here's what I've understood about the candidates currently on offer. I'm not actually sure what any of them hope to become except that it's not president, because we already have one of those and he's amazing, obviously.
Ted Cruz is a Canadian Republican who knows what's best for Texas, or at least claims to know better than a guy who is actually from Texas. If Deena from Jersey Shore ever took a drug to effect a Jekyll and Hyde style transformation into Grandpa Munster, the being existing at the halfway stage of transmogrification would resemble Ted Cruz. His sales pitch is that he's tough, which he must be because if there's one sure fire means of detecting the tough guy in any given situation, it's by looking for the one who goes around telling everybody that he's tough. This sales pitch works best if we assume tough to be an admirable quality in a politician, a position about which I'm not convinced. It would probably be fair to say that both Stalin and Hitler were tough, particularly if you were Jewish, and we all know that didn't end particularly well. Aside from being tough, Ted's other main selling point is that he isn't Beto, and will therefore probably let all's y'all's keep your guns and won't force anyone to make cakes for gay people if they really don't want to.
Beto is apparently the man who has a red carpet rolled out for illegal immigrants, because he wants them all to come here and sell drugs and rape kids, or something. I don't know if it's a literal red carpet, but if so, maybe that's why the wall is taking so long. Perhaps he's refusing to roll the carpet back up, or is obstructing construction by hoovering and doing the Shake n' Vac to put the freshness back as he invites the entire population of Mexico across whilst simultaneously helping them to fill in their welfare claims. This is what Ted Cruz reckons anyway, but then the Cruz campaign is also based on Beto supposedly destroying a precious Hispanic neighbourhood in El Paso and selling it to his father in law for redevelopment. Cruz fucking loves poor people, so you can see how he would be annoyed about that. I have it on good-ish authority that the neighbourhood in question was mostly a meth-ridden shithole, although Ted Cruz describes it as though it was the Alamo, using terms such as heritage and community, and pronouncing them quite well too, even though they're probably Mexican words or something. Being a politician and therefore inherently corrupt on some level, Beto probably isn't a saint, but at least he isn't a being existing at the halfway stage of the transmogrification of Deena from Jersey Shore into Grandpa Munster.
Will Hurd is another Republican, so his campaign is mostly about how he saw the Democrat candidate do a poo in his trousers in the queue at dinnertime and how the Democrat candidate put his hand in his trousers and touched the poo and then he sniffed his fingers and sort of smiled and he thought no-one had seen him do it but Will Hurd saw him and he definitely done it. He was in the previous round of telly campaigning too, whenever that was, and I'm fairly sure his policies were different, according to whatever was going to get him votes on that occasion. This time he stands next to a bunch of veterans, pretending to know them, then mumbles something about standing up to Trump, but he sort of says it quietly with his hand in front of his mouth in case anyone who likes Trump happens to be walking past on their way to make purchase of heterosexual cakes. What a brave and boldly outspoken soldier he isn't.
Pete Gallego. All I know about Pete Gallego is that he resembles a butch lesbian and that Will Hurd didn't like him very much, thus basing his previous campaign on not being Pete Gallego - Hurd's campaign that is; Pete Gallego basing his campaign on not being Pete Gallego would have been peculiar. I think part of the aforementioned campaign may have additionally utilised photographs of Pete Gallego hanging out with Nancy Pelosi, which apparently proves that you're evil. I still don't know much about Pete Gallego, except that I don't recall his campaign being all about how the other guy fucks chickens, so he probably wasn't all that bad. I don't even know if he's standing for anything this time. In fact I'm not sure why I mentioned him.
Nancy Pelosi. She isn't even anything to do with Texas, so far as I know, but if you hang out with her, that's apparently bad. I would assume that she wants to introduce enforced homosexuality and Satanism classes to elementary schools, going by the general political stripe of her critics, except Jello Biafra doesn't seem to like her much either, so who knows? Maybe people only dislike her because, and I quote, she's a woman and she's brilliant, which I've heard said of both Hillary Clinton and Theresa May, but said by persons whom I found myself unable to take seriously.
Julián Castro was mayor of San Antonio, and identical twin brother to Joaquin Castro who is a Congressman, or who serves in the House of Representatives, unless those are the same thing. All I know about Julián is that he once had his identical twin stand in for him when he couldn't be arsed to show up at some official function or other. Some will regard this as irresponsible and disrespectful, but personally I think that it's funny and shows character. I would therefore happily vote for him if he were to stand for anything, and if I were eligible to vote. It's therefore probably a good thing that I'm not.
Greg Abbott is currently the Governor of Texas. He comes across as fairly amiable in his commercial, partially because he doesn't spend it trolling everyone to the left of Herman Goering; and he once called Ted Nugent a fucking arsehole - admittedly not in those actual terms - so that's all well and good, although personally I'm suspicious. Abbott doesn't seem to like any of those things which Republicans typically tend to dislike, although he can at least string a sentence together. I'm sure I vaguely recall something about him granting funding to some nutcase militia formed so as to prevent Obama coming and taking all's y'all's guns, but it was a while ago and I may be thinking of the other guy. The aforementioned commercial features Abbot rolling towards the camera against a succession of changing backdrops. I hadn't actually realised he's in a wheelchair, and I suppose it's to his credit that he doesn't appear to be going for the sympathy vote, although I can't help feel that someone in the PR department may have spent the weekend binging X-Men movies.
Gina Ortiz Jones. Nobody told me to stand for whatever it is that I'm standing for, she says in the advert, but I done it anyway; and thus does Ortiz Jones establish her credentials as a feisty lady who doesn't need permission for fuckin' nuffink, yeah? At the end of the commercial, which mostly comprises a list of stuff she did which she didn't have to do but she done even though no-one said she should do it, we see her stood on the Hays Street Bridge in San Antonio surrounded by smiling fans. My wife finds the advert annoying and headachey but I'm personally not that bothered by it, plus anyone who promises to humiliate Deena Munster has my support.
Appendix
I've posted a picture of Lea DeLaria rather than Pete Gallego so as to give a general impression of Gallego's appearance, and because Lea DeLaria is fab and much nicer to look at.
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