Vampire of the Daleks

 

They ran up the rocky incline, scrambling breathless across the boulders until they came to the castle. Baz had been to many alien worlds with the Doctor, but this seemed like something new, and he could tell that Kaz shared his feeling.

'Doctor,' cried Daz between deep gulps for air. 'What is it?'

'Well, it's a stronghold innit,' she explained, eyes boggling, pulling a face as though someone had just asked her what Blackpool Tower was supposed to be. 'What are you like?'

Raz shared a look with the other twenty companions. 'But it looks like a castle,' he said in the tone of a confused pipe fitter from Burnley who felt he might be missing something. It was a very down to earth tone. There was nothing stuck up or fancy about our Raz.

'It's like a castle,' Shaz observed in the reassuring tone of a cashier working at a Huddersfield bakery, 'only a castle built by - I dunno - robots or summat.'

'I know,' boggled the Doctor intriguingly. 'Interesting innit! 'Appen this is a game changer 'n' ting.'

'Zut-zo,' said Xoob-E Xoo, the robodog with a fearful gulp of his transistors as they entered the castle. He crept forward on his servomotors, olfactory sensor pressed firmly to the cold, grey flagstones. Looking up, he noticed that the others had run on ahead. they never seemed to stand still. They ran everywhere and were always breathless as they paused to bark at each other, or pleading you don't have to do this at a variety of alien menaces.

He caught up and found himself in a dark chamber.

'Racism is bad,' said Praz meaningfully in the forlorn tone of a waitress working in a transport cafe on the M65 heading west out of Blackburn.

'Yes, it is, Praz.' Maz placed a hand on her shoulder and tilted his head to one side sympathetically because he'd been thinking about the adventure they had all just had with Nelson Mandela. 'Yes, it is.'

'You know what that is,' said Faz with the casual yet confident tone of a night-time cleaner working in a Scunthorpe based call centre. There was a moment's pause as everyone waited for the answer. They knew it would be dramatic because they could hear the music. They also knew they would be able to understand the answer because Faz was a plain speaker and the salt of the earth. You could tell from his amiable nature and down to earth accent that he'd never be caught winning the Turner Prize with a painting of his own knob rendered in artificially tinted semen. Oh no. Not our Faz.

'Its a coffin, fam,' said the Doctor coolly as a bass drum hit took a full six seconds to die away, because the revelation of an object being a coffin is not inherently dramatic, thus requiring sound effects to help you decide how you feel about it.

'I am Dalekula,' said Dalekula helpfully in a grating metallic voice as he issued forth from the coffin by ostensibly supernatural means. 'My plan is to conquer the entire universe and to drink its blood.' His grating metallic voice rose a little at the end which made him sound like a bit of a nutter, as though he was actually trying to be evil.

I'll tell you one thing. It was flipping working!

'By 'eck!' exclaimed the Doctor inclusively. 'What for think you be playing at, ya pussyclart,' she added, having been raised on the north Peckham council estate where lots of working class people like to live. Then some other stuff happened for forty three minutes and twenty seconds.

It were brilliant!