Leave It to Shiva

One day, Shiva came in from the yard. He ran to his mother and said, 'Gee, Mom. I sure am hungry.'

'Why, honey, I have a sandwich for you right here,' Ambikā replied, and she reached out, but found that in her hand there was not a sandwich, but a crescent-shaped sword.

'Goodness,' she exclaimed to herself, 'the sandwich must then be in my other hand.' So she reached out, but found that in her other hand there was not a sandwich, but a trident.

'Goodness,' she exclaimed to herself a second time, 'the sandwich must then be in my other hand.' So she reached out, but found that in her other hand there was not a sandwich, but a severed head.

'Goodness,' she exclaimed to herself a third time, 'the sandwich must then be in my other hand.' So she reached out, but found that in her other hand there was not a sandwich, but a cup fashioned from the skull of an enemy from which blood did spill upon the kitchen floor.

'I'm hungry, Mom,' said Shiva sadly.

'What seems to be the trouble?' smiled Lord Vishnu as he entered, setting his golf clubs next to the back door.

'Oh dear,' said his wife. 'Apasmara the dwarf who causes forgetfulness has given me to mislay the sandwich I made for Shiva.'

'I'm hungry, Pop,' said Shiva sadly, but the Lord Vishnu had now noticed the blood which had spilled upon the otherwise clean kitchen floor from the cup held in his wife's fourth hand.

'Say honey, don't you think you'd better clean that up before one of us slips and has an accident?'

'I'm hungry!' Shiva cried and ran out of the door.

'You had better go and talk to him,' said Ambikā as she went to the closet for her mop and bucket.

Lord Vishnu did then go outside, but he could not see his son in any place. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out his pipe and lit it. 'Now where did that little scamp get to?' he said out loud to himself.

Just then he noticed the Kali Yuga transpiring just on the other side of his beloved picket fence. Mr. Johnson's house was all gone, and in its place he saw spiritual bankruptcy, mindless hedonism, breakdown of all social structure, greed and materialism, unrestricted egotism, afflictions and maladies of mind and body.

'Well dash it all,' he exclaimed, immediately understanding that Shiva had been up to his Destroying antics yet again. 'Shiva!' he called.

'Yes, Pop?' said the boy, a little breathless as he appeared before Lord Vishnu.

'Oh Shiva,' said Lord Vishnu, shaking his head. 'Have you been eating apples from Mr. Johnson's tree once again?'

'No sir,' said Shiva, clearly uncomfortable.

'Mr. Johnson's yard just happens to have succumbed to Kali Yuga, I suppose,' sighed the Lord Vishnu, gazing thoughtfully over to where the tree would have been were it not for the sudden occurence of spiritual bankruptcy. 'How very convenient, I don't think!'

'I guess,' said Shiva, not quite understanding.

'Let me see your hands,' said Lord Vishnu.

'I didn't take any apples, honest injun!' said Shiva, showing his hands, and that they were both empty.

'Now the other six,' said Lord Vishnu with a frown.

Much later, both Ambikā and the Lord Vishnu had a talk with Shiva, specifically a laboured sermon about not stealing apples just because you're hungry and somehow unable to wait five fucking seconds for your mother to make you another sandwich. It seemed to go on forever, but there was a joke at the end. Unfortunately it wasn't a very good joke, but everyone laughed anyway.