Some English Bloke 2020

Unfortunately I am unable to stand for the office of president, but although I'm not familiar with the full legality of my situation, I don't see that this necessarily needs to be a hindrance. After all, much like those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, Donald usually finds a way. So maybe if you all write me in we can make this happen; and if you choose me to be the fourty-fifth president of the United States of America, I promise that I will probably do some of the following, depending on how it all works out and providing I'm not super busy or whatever.

• Creation of a walled sin bin state for resettlement of all the white supremacists, hardcore Christians, anyone who ever used the term liberal as a pejorative, and general shitbags who refuse to get along with the rest of us. I'm not sure where this will be, but somewhere with hardly any existing population, maybe West Texas or Wyoming. They won't be allowed electricity, technology, outside aid or anything much at all, but will instead be free to demonstrate how much better they are than the rest of us by growing their own food and re-inventing fire. It should be noted that this isn't actually a prison but rather should be viewed as an exciting opportunity given that those forcibly committed won't actually have to have done anything wrong by existing laws, aside from pissing me off.
• Free socialised health care for all excepting residents of the aforementioned sin bin state, who probably wouldn't want it anyway. Speaking of the sin bin state, it will need a name. I'm thinking along the lines of Freedomia or Patriotica, something which will help the inmates feel good about living there.
• Cops, including those presently serving, will be required to undertake more rigorous training for a period no shorter than two years so as to root out all the wrong 'uns. Law enforcement's current recruitment process seems to be limited to asking some rando if he wants a gun, then just giving him one when he says yes; so obviously that has to change.
• Gay and transgender persons to be able to buy a cake where and when the fuck ever they like, up to and including banging on your door at three in the morning and demanding immediate macaroons.
• Trophy hunting laws to be adjusted so as to allow only for the hunting, killing, and subsequent stuffing (or conversion to sausages) of fellow trophy hunters and their immediate relatives.
• Cosplay will be banned along with all references to the same, and use of the term bingeworthy television show.
• Massive tax on trucks driven within city limits or on highways without documentation proving the vehicle to be integral to the running of one's business, or window mounted documentation detailing the length and girth of one's penis to be displayed at all times. That should clear the fucking roads a bit.
• Cycle lanes everywhere. General ban on lycra.
• Instatement of a royal family, seeing as that's clearly what everyone really wants, if the last two-hundred years of portentous speeches and Ionic columns are any indication. Obviously it will need to be run along different lines to that of the British royal family so as to prevent the occurrence of the sort of beastliness which has befallen the same at least since we found out that one of them wanted to be a tampon. As in England, the proposed American line of hereditary supreme beings will have the constitutional right - and duty - to kick the government's ass when occasion demands, and I shall begin interviews as soon as I'm in office. At the moment I'm thinking either Amy Sedaris, Neil deGrasse Tyson, or Octavia Spencer, but we'll see.
• Pedestrian walkways on every urban street, road or thoroughfare and a general ban on electric scooter rentals so as to encourage exercise and generally not being a useless lump of shit.
• Unilateral ban on the music of ELO, possibly excepting material recorded in collaboration with Olivia Newton John which shall henceforth be exclusively regarded as part of Olivia Newton John's body of work.
• Comically massive fines on litter crimes because there's really no excuse, penalties possibly up to and including on the spot execution like in Judge Dredd, or at least permanent exile to Freedomia, Patriotica, or whatever we decide to call the place.
• Close Guantanamo Bay and any other institution engaged in the sort of practices we routinely condemn when someone else does them. While it's tempting to have members of the current administration spend a couple of years down there having substances pumped up their bottoms just to see how much they like it, we need to get out of the habit of expecting an eye for an eye.
• Spanish to become official principal language of the United States. Let's make America Mexico again.
• Political campaigning to be exclusively state funded with each candidate given equal time, so as to hopefully reduce the occurrence of political offices being limited to useless arseholes with too much fucking money, not mentioning no names or nuffink.
• Raise Pat Sajak's wages. The man is a national treasure.
• Shut down Disneyland because it's really not doing anyone any good in the long term. In fact close down Disney and call it a day.
• General ban on film or television relating to Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Big Bang Theory, any other comedy wherein three persons occupy a sofa as a fourth enters the room to a round of either laughter or applause without having had to do anything funny. Also, no more shitty superhero shows. The films can stay, at least the Marvel ones, but there's no point hanging onto any of the rest.
• Massive increases in Native American rights, the precise nature of which will be deduced by actually talking to them and asking where they see room for improvement. Conservatives getting all pissed off shall not be an impediment to the implementation or expansion of any of the rights involved.
• Television and cable broadcasts to be limited to the hours of six in the evening until midnight. No-one needs breakfast television, or to be sat on their arse all afternoon watching seventy consecutive episodes of anything involving a futuristic spaceship. Read a fucking book, you lazy twats.
• Unilateral rationalisation of corporate culture with particular emphasis on anything which sounds a little too much like it came out of a self-help book. You're there to do a job, not to come up with fun fancy dress options for Friday's meeting of the taco club.
• Socialism to be taught as a subject in schools, at least so as to cut down on internet turds ranting on about it without having the first clue what it means beyond being something that some bigger boys don't seem to like very much.
• All sports broadcasts, without exception, to be limited to a single television channel. It isn't news and the rest of us don't care.
• Banned words and phrases to include swag, life hack, any other form of hack, any form of hack being described as unlocked, bling where not referring directly to the work of Louisiana based rap artists, political correctness as reason given for your supposedly not being allowed to say something stupid, and awesome. Also anything obviously derived from self help literature.
• General decriminalisation of narcotics, because the cure seems to be worse than whatever condition it was supposed to treat.
• Huge cut backs in the armed forces. I suppose we have to keep some, although I'm open to debate on that score, but I don't see how we need enough as to be able to invade other countries. We're supposed to be better than that, after all.
• Replace Deena on Jersey Shore. She really isn't bringing anything to the table.
• References to the Bauhaus to be removed from art history textbooks. Those people just weren't that interesting.
• Patriotism will be reclassified so that it's no longer viewed as either a talent or a qualification any more than enjoying the music of Bruce Springsteen is either a talent or a qualification. Toxic Patriotism to be reclassified as a psychological condition requiring treatment, symptoms being recognised as anything upwards of the phrase thank you for your service used more than three times in the same week.
• High ranking government positions to be filled by rappers, WC, Brotha Lynch Hung, E40, C-Bo, Ice Cube, MC Eiht, Spice 1 and so on, providing they're available. I'm not sure what they would do, but I've no doubt they could come up with something interesting.
• Massive reinvestment in manual labour as an industry so as to get people working and to cut down on the surplus of automated shite we don't need.
• Taking climate science seriously on the grounds of it being science and therefore not really something with multiple choice options. Those who don't understand this have the opportunity of going back to school until they do. It's not hard.
• No more National Enquirer or any of that kind of thing. Reportage of anything qualifying as opinion rather than news will be strictly regulated. You should have better things to do with your time than fill your head up with junk. If you're bored, go for a fucking walk or something.
• Claims made on Prince Buster records to count as legal precedent.
• National anthem to be something or other by Kiss, possibly either Do You Love Me or I Love It Loud, or failing that, the theme tune from Hancock's Half Hour.
• Freedom for el Chapo along with the dropping of all charges against same. Possibly also see if he wants a job. Maybe we could make him the first King.
• References to Bauhaus to be removed from musical history textbooks. Having recorded one decent single does not render them any more interesting than it does the five-million other bands who never quite managed to write a second song.
• Stupidity to resume its standing as an undesirable disadvantage rather than a qualification.

There you are. There's probably more but we can talk about the rest once I'm in office and running the show, or at least you can listen while I explain. See you next November, citizens.