World of Carp

I'm working in the garage when a man comes in. He has a goatee beard and little round glasses. He reminds me a bit of Ben Elton or something. Do you remember Ben Elton? He was very right on and into political correctness, wasn't he? Always going on about political correctness, he was. Ha ha! Anyway, the man is driving a Ford Mondeo and he's just filled it up with petrol. I'm surprised because you would think it might be against his principals or something.

'Pump six and this,' he says, or something, and he picks a packet of Toffos from the rack and hands them over for me to price them. Do you remember Toffos? A man's gotta chew what a man's gotta chew! Ha ha! Do you remember Brucie's Generation Game?

I scan the Toffos and the machine makes a bleeping noise like a robot - like Metal Mickey in fact, or something. Do you remember Metal Mickey? I'm surprised the man wanted Toffos. He looks like he'd rather have picked a packet of tofu! Lefties like that, don't they? They eat tofu and veggie burgers, and they have leather patches sewn onto the elbows of their jumpers. Their kids always have names like Jocasta or Xerxes or something. Ha ha!

It's terrible how they've treated Tommy Robinson, isn't it? He was only saying what the rest of us were thinking. Do you remember thinking? That's what we used to do in the old days before the internet and He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, or something. Thinking was like our version of television, and we used to think all sorts of things, but of course you're not allowed to do that these days in case you think something that the liberal media elite don't like, such as how the US election was obviously rigged - a man on YouTube said so, or something.

'That will be £5.64,' I say to Mondeo man.

He gives me a tenner and I give him his change. There's a picture of the Queen on the tenner. Good thing there aren't any illegal Muslims here. They wouldn't like that - a picture of the Queen. They wouldn't like that at all, but you can't say anything about them because you're not allowed. Do you remember the Queen? We Are the Champions was their best one, I think.

I'm waiting for the man to leave but instead of going back to his car he goes to look at the mucky magazines. Meanwhile a lorry pulls in at the diesel pump, or something.

 

It didn't look much like this because this is a toy truck which I bought at the corner shop, for some reason. It's really small. A real lorry driver wouldn't be able to fit in the cab, and also it doesn't have an engine. You wouldn't be able to transport much gravel in the back of this lorry, because it's so small, or something. Who remembers Larry the Lorry on the telly when you were a kid? Always getting into trouble, wasn't he?

If Mondeo man was driving this lorry he would fill it full of tofu or kale then drive it to a lesbian women's workshop or something, but they wouldn't let him shag them because they're lezzers. Ha ha!

After a while the man decided he didn't want to buy a magazine after all so he left the garage. I don't know why he didn't just go back to his car and drive off after he'd paid. Maybe he wasn't in a hurry. There must have been some explanation, something light-hearted and partially reliant upon the audience's collective recall of some humourously substandard juvenalia from the seventies described in a tone amounting to the written equivalent of a sort of half-hearted semi-ironic shrug or something, but I can't think what it was.

 

Look! It's Malcolm Muggeridge! He used to be on the telly all the time when I was little, and if that isn't fucking funny then I don't know what is.

Who remembers John Tyndall? I know they say he stole some women's knickers from Woolies but I don't think he did it, personally. It might have been the other one. I think he was supposed to be a bit of a whoopsie, although we're not supposed to call them that any more, or something. Anyway, there's nothing about it on Wikipedia.

Do you remember Get Up and Go with Mooncat? He was a green cat from the moon. What was that all about? You're probably not even allowed to say he was green any more, or something.

Please buy my book.