Mystery Science Book Club 3000

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times—

Sounds like somebody was standing in line for The Phantom Menace! Am I right, guys?

—it was the age of wisdom—

Well, if you were in line for The Phantom Menace, then it must have totally been some other age! I mean seriously, you know what I'm saying?

—it was the age of foolishness—

Yeah - that would be whoever thought Jar Jar Binks was a good idea. Am I right, guys?

—it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness—

This guy needs to pick a lane.

—it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way—

We were all heading home to catch DS9 before Jar Jar Binks showed up again. Am I right or am I right?

—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Is this an insurance commercial? You know what I'm saying!

There were a king with a large jaw and a queen with a plain face, on the throne—

Throne! Ha ha!

—of England; there were—

I don't get it.

—a king with a large—

Schlong!

—jaw and a queen with—

A great rack! Ho ho!

—a fair face, on the throne of France.

I still don't get the throne joke.

In both countries it was clearer than crystal—

Throne, like on the john, like the guy was taking a dump, you know what I'm saying?

—to the lords of the State preserves of loaves and fishes—

Oh yeah. I get it now! Ha ha!

—that things in general were settled for ever.

You know, this was funnier when we had movies to work with.
 

It was the year of Our Lord one thousand seven hundred and seventy-five. Spiritual revelations were—

I hear you. Those were some good times. Like you remember when we watched - what was it called - some deal with the Earth's Core, and anyway Peter Cushing was in it, so I made the joke that he was Grand Moff Tarkin from Star Wars?

—conceded to England at that favoured period, as at this. Mrs. Southcott had recently—

Yeah, man. That was fucking hilarious, dude. That was some next level funny fucking shit right there. I've got to be honest with you, I can't see this deal with the books working out so well.

—attained her five-and-twentieth blessed—

I don't know. It could be okay. We just got to get into it.

—birthday, of whom a prophetic private in the Life Guards—

Like the Imperial Guard from Star Wars! Ha ha!

—had heralded the sublime appearance by announcing that arrangements were made—

Okay. Maybe we can do this. That was pretty fucking funny, man. Imperial Guard - that's some funny shit, let me tell you!

—for the swallowing up of London and Westminster. Even the Cock-lane ghost had been laid only a round dozen of years, after rapping out its messages—

Maybe the ghost was like Eminem or Dr. Dre!

—as the spirits of this very year last past (supernaturally deficient in originality) rapped out theirs. Mere—

You're killing it, dude! You got this. This is comedy fucking gold, you know what I'm saying?

—messages in the earthly order of events had lately come to the English Crown and People, from a congress of British subjects in America: which, strange to relate, have proved more important to the human race than any communications yet received through any of the chickens of the Cock-lane brood.

Wait? What? The guy talks to chickens?

France, less favoured on the whole as to matters—

I don't think that's what he meant, but who knows?
 

—spiritual than her sister of the shield and trident—

Hey, sounds like Aquaman just showed up!

Ha ha!