First of all the universe was created, and most scientists think it was probably made by God because He also made the world. Steven Hawkins had an alternative theory called the Big Bang, named after the hilarious TV show about nerds, probably because Hawkins thought it was a documentary. While Hawkins' argument may appear convincing if you can actually understand any of it, his credentials are suspect, mostly being a list of egghead universities, a list from which the University of Life is conspicuously absent; so it's not difficult to see that he was one of those people who can tell you the square root of seventeen but wouldn't know where to start if you asked him to make a cup of tea. Such people, unable to hold down an honest job on the buses or at a railway station or whatever, tend to invent jobs for themselves by making things up and convincing the rest of us that we should pay them for it. Hawkins was therefore essentially a scrounger who didn't know anything like so much as he claimed, which is why he had the idea of explaining something we already knew, and for which we didn't really need an explanation. Maybe somebody should have told him about the Bible.
Mind you, the sort of people who used to hang out with Steven Hawkins are mostly the same people who say they don't believe in God; but if He wasn't real, why the fuck would it say that He was in the Bible? The problem with these people is that they don't understand basic logic. I'm sure it's very nice sitting around in a laboratory all day inventing theories which don't make any difference to anyone, but some of us require a bit more rigour to our thoughts before we'll believe just any old thing.
God is probably also known as Odin and is definitely a white man. That isn't being racist or nothing. In fact it's probably racist to say that he's not a white man because we've all seen the paintings of him, but it's fashionable to be too sensitive about such things these days. Bob Marley wrote a song about it called One Love which was about people being too sensitive. I've got all of Bob Marley's wonderful albums. I've even got a few of his films on DVD. I'm sure that will surprise some of the more sensitive members of the community.
Anyway, after God made the world, there were the dinosaurs but they didn't last very long. They just died out for no reason. Scientists believe that this happens a lot, just as it's happening right now. Global warming happens every few years and it's normal. You probably remember a few really hot summers when you were a kid. Well, that was global warming. It's normal and there's nothing we can do about it. In fact, if we did something about it, there would be a lot of job losses, hence a lot more scroungers sitting around waiting for a hand out, and probably a lot more people like Steven Hawkins inventing theories about stuff we already understand just fine. Isn't socialism wonderful!
Once the dinosaurs went, aliens made pyramids so that the monkeys which God was turning into humans had somewhere to live. Some of those monkeys probably became the Illuminati, which is a secretive club of socialists who run the world and who are responsible for all the bad stuff that happens, like climate protesters, abortion clinics, and crooked Hillary's emails. Aliens made the pyramids because the monkeys weren't yet quite smart enough to do it for themselves because they hadn't evolved into white people, and some people are still like that - not mentioning no names or nothing - which is why they need the government to do everything for them. But some people watched the aliens making the pyramids and so they learned something and became a bit more intelligent, which is probably about when Jesus was born. Jesus was a great entrepreneur who showed beggars how to pick up their beds and carry them. The Bible tells us that the Romans crucified him but scientists believe that Jesus was actually a very good citizen and certainly law-abiding, so it doesn't seem very likely. More probable is that it was a certain socialist element working behind the scenes, perhaps in concert with a certain ethnic group who were quite popular back then and whose name is today synonymous with international banking and the entertainment industry which is corrupting the minds of our children, but who I'm not allowed to name under the conditions of the current socialist dictatorship due to a law called political correctness which the Illuminati want to add to our precious Constitution. So Jesus was one of the good guys, and he was murdered, and all I'm saying is that I'm not in a hurry to listen to any more songs by Paul Simon. Like I say, I happen to prefer the music of a coloured man called Bob Marley. In fact I can hardly wait to hear his new album.
The dark ages followed the death of Jesus and nothing is known about this time right up until Christopher Colombus discovered America, a miraculous unpopulated paradise which he found by accident when he was sailing to Japan. That's how we have the Constitution.
Next came the Second World War which was started by Joseph Stalin, a conflict which drew both the United States and Germany into the arena. At the time Germany was ruled by Hitler who, although he is not fondly remembered by history, had some very interesting ideas and wasn't afraid to say what he was thinking. It was a long and terrible war which lasted for thirty years or more, although there were some very good people on both sides. Once we won, Hitler sent us his rocket scientists as thanks for helping him out and freeing the German people. That's how we went to the moon, or at least tried, but we didn't manage it because of socialism and the unions demanding unreasonably higher pay rates for astronauts, which is why our greatest president had to invent Star Fleet, thus fulfilling the prophecy made by Gene Roddenberry, so we could properly go to the moon instead of just pretending so as not to offend certain over-sensitive elements who had infiltrated our government.
So that's the history of our world. There were a few other things which happened here and there - like when David Duke freed the slaves, for example - but unfortunately nobody really knows anything about that other stuff so it probably doesn't matter much.
I shouldn't have to write this, but here we are: the above comprises an ingenious blend of sarcasm and complete bullshit. If you're one of the few who made it all the way to the end without realising, you need to (a) stop voting immediately, (b) remove those political campaign signs from your lawn and your vehicle, and (c) go back to school, probably restarting at first grade just to be on the safe side, and this time, try paying some fucking attention, yeah?
Thanks to Baniel for the picture.
No comments:
Post a Comment