UKIP Confidential

I'm joking of course. The truth is that I ran away from the greatest country in the world, the land in which one dare not accost the average wandering Brit in a Union Jack T-shirt because you'll be stuck there all fucking day listening to him bang on and on and on about Newton, Elgar, Blake, Dickens, Stephen Hawking, Samuel Pepys and all those other giants of the culture which is so dear to his red, white, and blue heart. I ran away to Texas, Americaland where everyone is fat, gun-toting, born-again, and fully paid up with their Klan membership, and they all voted for Reagan and then Bush - every last one of them - and they all eat McDonalds and nothing else, and Lincoln started that civil war so he could free the slaves...

Why, I may just as well speculate regarding life in the Andromeda galaxy, for I have no way of knowing what might transpire within the hallowed halls of the UKIP Party Conference. I have never attended so august an event. I have no experience, and no way of ever finding out. Luckily, I once had a friend, a man who knew proper people, doctors, dentists, and architects. He knew the score, and here is what he kindly told me.

Read on, brethren, and let us consider ourselves schooled.

• UKIP is definitely not a racialist party. Racialism has no place in the UKIP.
• The UKIP Party Conference is a lot like the Notting Hill Carnival but with even more reggae and less racialism. As one wanders the conference centre enjoying the cool reggae vibrations of the Police, or the theme music from Stephen Fry's QI, you might be surprised at how many loyal Jews and coloured people are in attendance, which is the thing that is really interesting.
• Every political party has it's black sheep - those members who wish to exterminate all gays for causing AIDS, or who want to send coloured people back to where they came from, or who think the wrong side won the second world war. It is grossly unfair to single UKIP out for simply being one of many barrels containing bad apples of this sort. Anyway, Nigel hates those sort of people. He says that they are not team players.
• UKIP is politically centre-left. Lefties hate them because they are jealous of the common touch which UKIP has, and Lefties just want to start arguments and accuse people of racialism. They need to grow up!
• Nick Griffin, former leader of the British Nationalist Party recommended that his followers vote for UKIP, which suggests that UKIP might welcome such a man into their fold. No, they jolly well would not! They would blinking well send him away with a flipping flea in his ear! I should say so!
• Critics of UKIP tend to be armchair jockeys, people who typically spend all day on the computer and have no experience of the UKIP Party Conference, but like to say that other people are being racialist. If you do not know what an armchair jockey is, you need to watch The Bing Bong Theory and get down with the kids, my friend. It's the latest thing. Bazzango! Ha ha!
• Many of the bad things that are credited to UKIP, for example that they play on people's fear of immigration and multicultural society in order to secure votes, come not at all from UKIP, but from many troll websites pretending to be UKIP but actually being made by the Haters of UKIP so as to make UKIP look bad! This is wrong because UKIP are very nice.
• Lefties, unlike UKIP, do not understand business. The only kind of economy they understand is the economy of cloud cuckoo land!

So what say you, fellow armchair jockeys? Do we keep on spreading the filthy slanderous lies invented by the Haters of UKIP and the liberal media elite, or do we grow up, flipping well pull our socks up and say to ourselves I cannot except the way this once really brilliant country is going down the convenience, and vote for jolly old Nigel?

Hoorah!