Friday, 10 January 2014

From the Mind of Dennis Hydrogen, Writer

October 2013 and on that fateful day Herman's Hermit are riding high in the pop charts with Get the Fire Brigade just as Sir Edmund Hilary conquers the world land speed record and Henry Kissinger is ejected from the Belarus peace conference for disorderly conduct and calling people names and that. Meanwhile in the important world of Doctor Who blogging and having an opinion on The Doctor Who Show, Project Mondas ran a review of a television programme originally broadcast in 1966, Martin Prophylactic talked about sexism in Cyberman society on The Fez and Bow-Tie Titterbox, Blogter Who Blogtopia took an in-depth look at Cloister Kitchen's review of The Green Death, and I, Dennis Hydrogen, Writer exposed season seven's The Krotons as a metaphor for societies in which crystal monsters from space prey upon some cavemen by telling them that they will teach them some stuff but really only doing it so they can eat them.

Yes, Dennis Hydrogen, Writer, I hear you cry, but what was exactly happening in The Doctor Who Show on that fateful day? We know we can look it up on one of the four-hundred existing blogs, but what we really need is for a REAL WRITER such as what you are to cleverly tell us the truth behind the facts.

By the mighty beard of my neck, I respond intelligently, calmly tapping my toe to some cool sounds by the band Spin Doctors, about whom I have written an insightful book of facts, this I shall do!

It was on that fateful day in October 2013 that we first read The Very Important Story, and the world held its breath. Not since Resurrection of the Daleks had we seen such a radical reimagining of the trope first brought to us by the immortal words of Terry Nation on that fateful day, and that radical reimagining arrived in the form of the Dogleks with their distinctive cry of Dogsterminate echoing around the playgrounds of the universe back when we were all eating Spangles and pretending to be Jimmy Savile and that, jewellery jewellery jewellery and now then, now then, now then which is like really iconic in Englishland, just like that delicious mushy pea which is regarded as a delicacy by both the Queen and Verity Lambert & Butler, whom you probably won't have heard of, but I have. The story is an unusual one, although this is not in itself surprising because Doctor Who Show can tell every single kind of story that has ever been invented. That's the magic! The Very Important Story was a new paradigm - in the immortal worlds of the pie-eating Dalek on the one with Winston Churchill - because it was not a wonderful children's television serial which adults adore but a short and sarcastic tale which was read by only seventeen people. The self-published books of I, Dennis Hydrogen, Writer are read by many more people than just seventeen people, I can assure you of that as a true fact!

In The Very Important Story, Matthew Smith buys some ice cream from Davros who, in the immortal words of Aristophanes, no longer lives on Skaro but now operates his own ice-cream van, on that fateful day. That mysterious traveller in time and space known only as Doctor Who is then prevented from his ice-cream consumption by River Song, and Rory is revealed to be the Master, which is very clever.

The Daleks are a bit like the Nazis when you think about it, I suppose.


  1. Nauseating, isn't it? You've caught the self-importance perfectly, though I think you're missing some ghastly, smug references to alchemy-as-magical-Marxism, a total misinterpretation of British politics based on some half-remembered Sex Pistols lyrics, and the idea that the North of England consists of three disused collieries and the sets of Coronation Street and Last of the Summer Wine.

    Do I take it you saw the guest-post on Newtons Sleep? Complete drivel. It's only observation was to accuse O'Mahony of 'purple prose' (once again, someone seems to spectacularly miss the point of McLuhan, and/or be totally incapable of reading something not in Uncle Terry's patented prose-for-the-under-10s), and to note that Faction Paradox is uncomfortably positioned in relation to Doctor Who such that it can't achieve either popular, mainstream success or widespread fan approbation. All, of course, wrapped up in a fearfully pretentious imitation of that blog-owner's own leaden proses.


    1. I read a post on The Aztecs which was about as good as these things ever are, and managed one paragraph of the thing about the Dominators from which I learned that Blue Peter is just like this totally iconic children's show, yeah? and that was as much as I could stand. I saw the one on Newtons Sleep but gave up at the point of it accusing the author of using all those fancy, long words because he thought he was lush but he wasn't (etc.). It's slightly depressing to learn that the target of my parody was so immediately recognisable given that I only spent about fifteen minutes on the homework.