Friday 18 January 2013

Doctor Who and the Jane Eyre



Literature is all very well, but as many Doctor Who fans will testify, the problem with most novels is that on average very few of them delineate the adventures of that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor. Stroll into any high street book store, pick a book at random from the nearest shelf, and it's statistically unlikely that it will proudly sport a Doctor Who logo on the front cover and its quality must therefore be called to question; perhaps even requiring that one should spend precious time reading the thing before being able to make a judgement so as to deduce whether or not it is worth reading in the first place - a paradox worthy of Stephen Moffet himself! It's madness, plain and simple, and whilst you're dutifully ploughing through Crime and Punishment or The Unbearable Lightness of Being or whatever, wondering just when the action is going to begin, think on - that time could have been spent reading a brilliant Doctor Who novel or watching some exciting science-fiction on television.

Only recently, both Michael Moorcock and Stephen Baxter wrote brilliant novels featuring that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor. It turned out that both of these Doctor Who authors were already published, although none of their previous work featured that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor; giving rise to many serious questions.

Just who were these men?

Would they be able to do justice to the adventures of that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor?

Would their work measure up to the standards already set by important Doctor Who authors such as Mark Morris and Terrance Dicks?

Doctor Who and the Jane Eyre is the first of a brilliant range of Doctor Who novels reclaiming the greats of literature from the obscurity to which they have been unfortunately relegated, updated for a new generation of readers eager to read further exploits of that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor and those other mysterious travellers in time and space known only as the companions of that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor.

The idea sprang from the recent successful stage production of Doctor Who and the Dumb Waiter wherein Harold Pinter's psychologically fraught theatrical masterpiece was enlivened by the silent presence of Matt Smith's Doctor pulling hilariously eccentric faces and making balloon animals at one side of the stage for the duration of the performance. Everyone said that it was brilliant, particularly Matt Smith's portrayal of the Doctor, and so from one brilliant idea was born new hope for a dead medium as reading became cool once again.

Doctor Who and the Jane Eyre tells of the life of Charlotte Brontë's mysterious governess at Thornfield Hall known only as Jane Eyre, her difficult and unhappy childhood at Lockwood School for Girls, her tempestuous relationship with Mr. Rochester, and the culmination of her quest for happiness, complete with occasional observations made by a mysterious stranger living in the grounds of Thornfield within a mysterious blue police box from the future, and the intriguing possibility that Bertha Mason - the proverbial mad woman in the attic - may actually be the Master (a theme which will presumably be examined further in November with the publication of Doctor Who and the Wide Sargasso Sea)! Furthermore, newly reimagined by a team of seasoned Doctor Who authors (the cover credit to Terrance Dicks serves to indicate the sort of excellence readers may expect rather than any literal authorial credentials), the quality of this obscure classic is guaranteed, as all discerning Doctor Who fans will be able to tell from the following excerpt:

"Shall I?" I said briefly; and I looked at his features, beautiful in their harmony, but strangely formidable in their still severity; at his brow, commanding, but not open; at his eyes, bright and deep and searching, but never soft; at his tall imposing figure; and fancied myself in idea his wife. Oh! it would never do! As his curate, his comrade, all would be right: I would cross oceans with him in that capacity; toil under Eastern suns, in Asian deserts with him in that office; admire and emulate his courage and devotion and vigour: accommodate quietly to his masterhood; smile undisturbed at his ineradicable ambition.

"Jelly baby?" asked that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor grinningly, a crumpled paper bag in his hand.

The tradition of western literature comprises a great wealth of material ripe for elevation to the grand status of Doctor Who novel, so this is really only the beginning, but Doctor Who fans can be assured that the misery of dull plodding books with no Doctor will soon be a thing of the past, a past that not even that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor will be able to visit in his amazing Tardis!

Hooray for Doctor Who and Doctor Who books featuring that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor!

Currently available: Doctor Who and the Jane Eyre, Doctor Who and the Gone with the Wind, Doctor Who and the Saturday Night and Sunday Morning, Doctor Who and the Carpetbaggers.

In Preparation: Doctor Who and the Tale of Two Cities, Doctor Who and the Star Trek Annual 1975, Doctor Who and the Art of War, Doctor Who and the Doctor Who and the Cave Monsters, Doctor Who and the Man's Search for Meaning, Doctor Who and the Guinness Book of British Hit Singles - Fourteenth Edition, Doctor Who and the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

2 comments:

  1. You missed off Doctor Who and the Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals.

    I myself am currently working on Doctor Who and the Gilgamesh, featuring the David Tennant interpretation of that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor:

    But Gilgamesh, hearing the sound of the bolt,
    threw up his head and lodged his foot in the gate;
    he called to her,
    'Young woman, maker of wine,
    why do you bolt your door;
    what did you see that made you bar your gate?
    I will break in your door
    and burst into your gate,
    for I am Gilgamesh
    who seized and killed the Bull of Heaven,
    I killed the watchman of the cedar forest,
    I overthrew Humbaba who lived in the forest,
    and I killed the lions in the passes of the mountain.'

    'Not too familiar with getting birds, are you, mate? Move over, I've got the tool for this, lad', said that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor, as he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and used it to unlock the gate.

    'Ullo, miss', said that mysterious traveller in time and space known only as the Doctor, holding up his psychic paper. 'Health and Safety inspectors. Got to 'ave a look-see 'round 'ere. Cheers.'

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  2. Excellent. Another old story that no-one has ever heard of gloriously rescued and made more better by the mighty canon.

    Actually, what's depressing is that there are almost certainly people out there who believe this sort of thing might be "interesting".

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