Queen Jazz (1978)
Look at that. It's just a round thing. What the fuck's that supposed to be then, eh? It can't be a record because as something of a music fan I can assure you that the grooves on one of those old time vinyl albums go inwards instead of round and round so if you played this one it would just sound like the Aphex Twins or something like that. Maybe they were trying to be Coldplay because it's a bit like that one they did, whatever that was called. I wouldn't mind but the fucking thing don't even sound nothing like Jamie Cullum or Frank Sinatra. Jazz, my arse. There's a song on there about riding your bike - very rock and roll, I don't think. When was the last time you heard Razorlight singing about riding your bike? There's also some song about how women have got big arseholes which is like really sexist and I am offended by it, but then I'm not surprised because in the song about riding your bike the singing man says he don't even like Star Wars. I reckon he's probably a bit funny, if you know what I mean.
The Beatles Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967)
Everyone knows the Beatles were the best band ever, so you would think they would have the best album covers, wouldn't you? Well if so, then maybe you'd like to tell me what the hell this is supposed to be. Last time I listened to this record there was definitely some guitars on it, not just trumpets and a big fucking drum, so I have no idea what's meant to be going on there. Also, whilst I suppose it's all well and good having famous mates, this just seems like they're showing off to me. Even if Tarzan and W.C. Fields really were Beatles fans, they don't need to go on about it. That just makes them big-headed in my book. Oooh look at us with all our famous Showbiz pals like Richie Cunningham from Happy Days and Alf Roberts from Coronation Street stood just behind Paul; except if you look closely, they're all fucking cardboard cut-outs, not really people at all. I bet Tarzan never even heard of the fucking Beatles what with living in the jungle and all that. It's no wonder they run out of ideas and stopped having hits if this was the best they could come up with.
Sex Pistols Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols (1977)
Well for a start, I'm no graphic designer but is it just me that's noticed how all the letters are different fucking sizes, and the name of the band isn't even straight? I suppose it's all right if you really can't afford to pay some bloke to take a picture of the group for the cover, but you would have thought they might have made a bit of effort to not screw up something this basic. Of course, that isn't the only problem with this lot, and I don't mean the song. The name of the band is a bit dodgy because it's sex which means like women's tits, having it off, and jumping out from behind a tree in the park with your cock out and stuff like that; and then there's the bollocks. Did they really have to call it that? What if some kiddies saw it and went round saying bollocks?
'What is the capital city of France, Johnny?'
'Bollocks, Mrs. Jones.'
I know it's just a bit of fun but they should have called it Never Mind the Bollards because at least it would be clean, and when you said it there would be a moment where people look at you going like ooh he almost said you-know-what, and that way everyone could join in with the fun, not just the punk rockers. They just don't think of these things, do they?
ELO Out of the Blue (1978)
Now I know what you're going to say, but honestly I have no problem with this record, it being one of the greatest rock albums ever recorded on the strength of Horace Wimp alone. If you've not heard Horace Wimp, you need to buy this album, because it's a really clever song about a weedy bloke who has probably never had it off and never goes to the gym or nothing so the birds probably think he's a bit of - well, you know - that he's a bit funny. Anyway the song is all about how he sorts himself out, and they've given him the name Horace Wimp because that's what he is - a wimp! Do you see? Anyway, it's a fantastic record with a great cover. ELO were brilliant and they sold so many records that they probably actually have got some great big jukebox space station up there. My problem is with who built it. The state of the British aviation industry has been fucking shocking since it was destroyed by Labour and the unions in the seventies and Lockheed was sold to the Germans so if you have an ambition to work in the aviation industry, as so many young people do, you had better get used to the taste of sauerkraut; and Thatcher weren't no bloody good neither. I expect ELO had their space station built over there somewhere, on the continent. I can't see no Union Jack on the thing, can you? So fuck 'em, bloody Communists.
Phil Collins Face Value (1981)
So let me get this straight - no-one had the balls to say 'Jesus, Phil. You want to fucking step back a bit?' The fucker's so close you can't even see his ears. In fact all you can see is Phil Collins, so whatever else he had arranged for the album cover, like - I dunno - maybe a load of monkeys all bombing around in toy cars, you know the kind you buy for your kiddie with the pedals; whatever else he had sorted out for the album cover you can't fucking see. Whatever he had set up may as well not be there at all so he's just chucked his money down the fucking toilet, the stupid cunt. Mind you, when you used to see him on Top of the Pops playing the synthesiser and singing with a tin of paint on the top of the synthesiser for some weird reason, he always used to pull faces when he was singing like he was sat on the bog trying to push out one of those tough ones you get when you've eaten nothing but egg sandwiches for a couple of weeks, so maybe that's what happened here. Maybe the dam was finally bust, so to speak, and there's poo all over the photographer's studio, and obviously Phil wouldn't want any of us to see that. It makes sense when you think about it. That's probably what happened.
Nirvana Nevermind (1991)
The first thing here is obviously this being a health and safety nightmare, unless the kid is the son of Aquaman or something, which is unlikely seeing as Aquaman is a cartoon character and therefore not real. I see what they're trying to say with this picture, but the message is a bit lost when you notice it's fucking foreign money on the end of the fishing line. I mean even if the kid manages to avoid drowning and get hold of the money, as soon as he goes into the shop for a packet of Toffos or whatever, the bloke's just going to look at him and say 'what the fuck is this? Ain't you got no English money?' You would think someone would of spotted this but no - typical stupid fucking Americans. Half of them think France is really the capital of Spain, you know? Maybe that's why it's called Nevermind, because that's what the bloke in the shop would say when he got fed up of trying to talk sense to a baby trying to buy stuff with a dodgy note. I suppose you might argue that the baby is a keen numismatist or something, but personally I'm not buying it.
Bob Dylan The Times They Are A-Changin' (1964)
You would think he might manage to crack a smile what with Columbia Records just having released his new compact disc, but no; and what's with ye olde worlde stylynges? Nobody says a-changin' unless it's some old film or something, and nobody has put all the names of their hits on the album cover since about 1940, so my first thought was that Bob, lacking any fresh ideas of his own, is trying to tap into some of the Mumford & Sons magic, playing a banjo and pretending they haven't invented telly yet, that sort of thing. As I usually like to look into things a bit more than most people, I did my homework on this one and can reveal that the cover of Bob's album is actually a wholesale rip off of an album put out by some other bloke called Bob Dylan back in the 1950s and who is probably dead by now. The cover is the same. Even the name is the same. Not very original, is it? I suppose if the first version is dead then Bob figured he wouldn't mind and no-one was going to notice. Typical, isn't it? Justin Bieber makes some joke about that Jewish girl who got caught by the Nazis and everyone goes mental, and yet Bob Dylan pulls this shit and there's not a fucking peep. There ain't no justice.
Pink Floyd Atom Heart Mother (1970)
How come they put a cow on the cover? They ain't farmers. What's going on there? I've listened fairly close to Pink Floyd and can reveal that they are all druggers. The clues are in their songs, like In the Air Tonight because air is drugger slang for the smoke when you take some marijuanas, and also in You Can't Hurry Love because love is what druggers call it when they take some drugs so what the song is really saying is you can't hurry taking drugs, you just have to wait, taking drugs don't come easy, it's a game of give and take. So that is why they put a cow on the cover of the record, I think, probably because they got the pictures all mixed up after they took some drugs or something. That also explains why the record is called Atom Heart Mother because it's the sort of weird thing you would say if you took some drugs. It could just as easily of been Molecule Kidney Uncle or Neutron Leg Cousin. At least I hope that's why they put the cow on the cover, because if it was on purpose then that's worse because the cow is looking back with the cow version of a come to bed look, which I suppose would be come to shed or something. Of course Pink Floyd might like that. After taking all those drugs I'll bet they hardly know what day of the week it is, the silly fuckers.
Morrissey Meat is Murder (1985)
I know it's a bit hard telling this lot apart, and Morrissey's singer has an Elvis Presley hairstyle which makes it extra annoying that they made him wear a hat, and the same hat as the other three, so fuck knows who is supposed to be who. They're even all pulling the same face like they're doing an impression of Richie Cunningham out of Happy Days, although I don't think they really are because if you listen to the record you will know that happy days are pretty low on Morrissey's list of favourite things. Mostly he just likes to talk about not having it off with anyone or going to the school disco and getting called names by some bigger boys. I have noticed that if you look close you can see these pictures look like they might be the same bloke. I'm not sure who it is but I think it's the drummer, whatever his name was. Putting the pictures all on their side so you have to turn the cover around to look at them properly is all very clever, and maybe they thought no-one would bother and so they wouldn't notice, but I've bothered and I have. It also seems a bit cheap just writing the album title on the drummer's hat, if he is the drummer; and what does it mean anyway? Hot dogs ain't murder because they ain't even alive, and they're definitely meat. I suppose Meat is Murder Apart From Hot Dogs wouldn't have sounded so catchy. What the fuck are they on about, the stupid cunts?
Sonic Youth Goo (1990)
For starters, if you really have just done a bunk with your sister's boyfriend and then got her to help you kill your parents, it's probably a bit stupid to admit it on the cover of your new album. For a start, when your sister sees it - and if she's your sister it's not like she ain't going to be at least a little bit interested in what you're doing with your pop band - and when she thinks hang on, I haven't seen that feller of mine in a week, at least not since mum and dad got murdered, then she's going to look at your new album and put two and two together, and she'll probably do her bollocks when the penny drops. This is why I think they probably just made that up to put it on the cover so everyone would think they was something special, but you can tell that's what they want you to think from the drawing of them with their sunglasses like a couple of Roy Orbisons or Dave Lee Travises smoking their fags but probably not inhaling, you know like when some little skinhead kid down the recreation ground has a fag and pretends to be a tough nut, even though he's never smoked one before. Sonic Youth, who are all at least seventy, should have spent more time sorting out a good cover, and less time hanging out in Starbucks with Debbie Blondie and Andy fucking Warhol.